Love that can never be achived.

Guess you'll never know that.

Recently, I feel exceptionally truly madly deeply in love with my ex. I feel happy. I feel so brand new. I feel like nothing has ever happened before. It's like I fall in love for the very first time. This feeling.. is so pure yet so true.. I spent the whole night trying to remember and been googling the song that my ex put in a video of our photos together. I don't know why suddenly I miss him so much. I'm going crazy every each day that passes by. It was the song " Paint My Love " by MLTR. It was a beautiful song. I now feel the love that we had before very deeply and it feels so pure. I never felt this in love before. But... I don't think things will go back to how it used to be like back then..

My big big love :D

Honestly, these days I'm acting very strange. I feel love everywhere. Even all the hatred becomes love. What is this? What does this suppose to mean? It feels great. Unsual than before. Maybe... because I used to say I am awsome and happy most of the time, it finally becomes real. Maybe.. if I continue beliving in myself that everything will be okay.. I guess it will. And everything is going well nowadays... I guess... well I just have to keep on beliving! Right ? Why don't you start beliving in yourself too then ? :)

Nevertheless, I met my ex few days ago in a mamak shop, a coincidence, but I don't take it as a coincidence because I expected him to come. It's like telephaty!! I never knew he would but I kept on telling myself " will he come? I've been longing to see him " I even yelled at myself to even have a thought like that about him while I'm not supposed to even just think about him at all. However, My friend happen to be there and he came along with few of his friends too.. There was two table, I was sitting on the left table and he sat on the right table on the same line as where I was sitting. I felt funny because I was so excited to even just see his face after such a loooong time, which is weird for me to expect him to come while I suppose to not think about him at all! I never expected myself to be like this!!! Seriously.... I thought when time passes I could forget him instead I forget the bad things that happened . I mean like I said earlier, all the hatred becomes love! Yes, so when the hatred and the anger I had for him becomes love, additional to the love that I already have for him, my love for him has grown bigger every each day. Like, what the hell ?

Why do I keep loving you after all the hardships you've put me through ?

According to what has happened lately, though my love for him has grown every each day, I think his love for me has been fading every each day..and I will only be just another girl for him. It's really depressing to have known this yet I still haven't move on. It's really stupid and pathetic. I know so much what to do what I must do yet I'm still stuck with my past. Why is this happenning to me at this age? How can I love person so much at this age? Am I really loving him or is this just what every teenager has go through at this age? Well, I heard some very dirty stories about me everywhere.. I guess I haven't been protecting myself properly lately.. And that dirty stories I heard was made by him. I guess I should've set boundries with whom I socialize with. I thought they were my close buddies, I guess it was just their way to take advantage over me. Maybe I shouldn't have  trust people so easily. I'm a very vulnerable and naive kind of person. Though how strong I thought I may be, but I'm indeed very week in the inside. I am much more sensitive than I thought I am.. Words affect me so easily. I may not cry when the words are spoken at the moment, but when I'm left all alone, tears started falling until I thought why am I being so rediculous while I'm so young and so many things is yet to be achived.

Paint my love ? ? 

I bet most of us has been through this kind of relationship before. If most of you can survive, why can't I ? I hope that one day.. just that one fine day.. his heart will open and finally getting to realize just what he actualy really meant to me. It's not easy to have someone who truly love you and keep on loving you no matter what you did to them. Most of you may call it stupid and I admit I'm being stupid but I'm sorry it's just not the time yet. I am acting foolishly by loving him still while he isn't. Love can really fool you up to this rate. They can crushh you down if you don't know how to control it.

One sided love, how does it feel ? </3

People may call me a desperate bitch. Call me whatever you may wanna call me. I don't care. Just keep on talking. I guess these people don't have an interesting story that they have to talk about my shit to make people socialize with them. Why can't they just mind their own business and just talk about their shit rather than mine, I guess mine is all better than theirs. My shit can do them good I guess! Wow, I didn't know my shit is that powerfull. They indeed make me feel awsome day by day but still it's kinda painful, that them whose talking trash about you.. was the people that used to meant everything to you. Pathetic isn't it ?

What can I say.. we're all humans.. we all make mistakes.. we learn from mistakes but if it happens again then that's you choose to make the same shit again. :D Well, there goes my story for today.. an unconditional love that can never be achived. Will it ever ? We'll see in the future. Thanks for reading peeps!

Date : 28/2/2012
Time : 10:30PM 

Grandpa ?

:SSSSSSS

It's been awhile since I had a dream, the last dream I had was like so long time ago, and one that I can't forget the most is when I was in kindergarden, I dreamt of a ghost, was waiting for my mom in the car and the ghost was somewhere behind the seat, so I got chickened out of course so I got out and hid under the car with my face facing at left and as sooon as I turned right, OH THE MOTHER OF GOD, pochong! >>>>>>>>>>
Mak datuk. Terkejut beruk aku! Anyways, it wasn't really scary but for me at the time and how the dream went, oh god hard to explain. Aey, this dream hasn't come to the end part yet, well you can say my dream is kinda weird. Actualy it has always been so weird. Maybe because I am weird, wait am I? No I'd take it as different and unique . hehehehe :D Oh sorry I'm running out from the topic. Okay the ending part was something else, it was suddenly morning and I was in a kitchen eating with my grandpa, so as I was eating breakfast with him, black cars was coming one by one like a group of cars, then the people inside the cars all came out with guns and pistol or whatever they called it, OMG they started to line up infront of my house and started shooting everywhere in my house area, it sounds stupid and rediculous yeah it is because I end up being a heroine @_@ . I told you it's weird no, it's so... unique :S 

wait, it supposed to be C's. =.=

 Anyway, the dream I was about to share with all of you is the dream that I just dreamt earlier, I woke up very early like around 4++ or 5AM. This dream to me is 50% bad and 50% good. I shall tell the bad first. O.O WEll the bad is that I dreamt of myself getting all C's in SPM result. Which is really scary. Come on, I can say I study quite hard............... I can't be getting all C's :(((((((( I'm afraid. Guys who read this, please please please I beg you! Pray for me! I don't expect much, few A's would be okay. God bless who did, thank you :')

yes i love my grandpa so so so much xx

After getting result I got back home my teacher sent me home and from inside car I felt like I saw grandpa outside with my uncle sitting on the bench. I wasn't using my glasses that time since I left it in North India which I went for a trip. It was nice, I was sleeping in a bus, I left it in the bus's backseat pocket and thinking 'oohoo, it'll be bad if I left it here in India when I got back to Malaysia ' but at the end I really left it in India and now it's there I miss my glasses T.T. ANYWAY, talking about my grandpa earlier, well yea so it was blury from the inside car so I wasn't really sure it was granpa. At that moment, my heart skips a beat. I missed him so bad! In that dream, I felt like it happened for real. I knew Grandpa past away in year 2008 but in that dream, it's like he was given another life to see his family which is us. As soon as I got out from the car, I walked slowly, step by step looking at my grandpa thinking ' is that really grandpa? ' because he was supposed to be in heaven already. I wasn't feeling scared instead I went right at to him and hugged him. I didn't say a word... YET, and so I was hugging, million of thoughts running through my mind. I was thinking that maybe this could be another chance for me to apologize to him. I had a quite similar dream also before when I was in form 3. I had a dream apologizing and was telling him how much I've missed him while crying realy heavily. I woke up with red watery eyes and my face was all wet because of my tears in my dream. I was really crying in life in my sleep, actualy I've post this in my blog last year with the title "Sweet Grandparents" .

love that never fades away ..

However, after hugging and stuff, I look deeply in his eyes, I said " Atuk ? " together along with my watery eyes. Again I hugged him! Awwh, my heart feels heavy to let go of the hug. Then he said "Siapa ni ? " I said " Shada atuk, cucu atuk " in a very very very soft voice. He looks older than before, he looks smaller and more wrinkles all over his face and everywhere and he has forgotten me too. Since he's gotten older guessin that he's gotten senile like grandma now too. And so we had a lil talk, cry a lil, then poofff! He's gone. He's gone. Again... I woke up as soon as possible and said " oh it was a dream, with a teary eyes and felt relieved because the all the C's was just a dream. Phewwww. I'll die if I get all C's. Like wtf ?? lol Anyway, this is the second time he came into my dream but it wasn't as dramatic as the first one. I cried a river for the first one haha. But I felt so relieved to have seen his face again, talk to him again and even hugged him, as it felt so real. I wish to see him again. Even if I don't I wouldn't mind, memories of him is treasured in my heart.

i love you more than words can explain

To me, every old people are like my own grandparents. To me, their sweet, kind and very loving and VERY cute. Sometimes when I see old people I treat them like my own. And not to mention that I love old couples.     They had lived their whole life all together until death do them apart. True love and happiness. Awhh :')

Therefore, this should be a lesson. For those who still have your grandparents at home, or where ever they are, they need you. Though they might be senile at times, it's okay. They're like children. Just talk to them as much as you could, entertain them. Love them. Their time to be living in this world isn't much left. They soon will leave this world and live another life in another world. Give them a beautiful ending. Appreciate them and make them feel loved and appreciated. This dream to me is like a reminder, plus after showering in the morning I hit my head at the corner of a table and got a big lump on my forehead. T.T

flyinggg kissss ! mwaaahh

Oh well, I guess that's it, nothing much really. This blog is just for me to release whatever tension I'm having or just for me to simply having fun with myself writing. I'm not a good writer so please understand thank you. And also thank you for those who read my blog. Thank you. So much. :D Please do follow my blog too okay... mwahhhh <3

* the date and time is wrong I don't know how to adjust :S
Date : 18/2/2012
Time : 3:45PM

Too bored to be true.

For now, yea I can say that it is kinda pathetic. I just finished SPM last year . After that, my life seems to be more boring than evaaaaaaaar. geez man. Most of my friends are either older than me or one year younger. So basicly, I'm feeling soooo so lonely. Some working, some studying still, either in University/Collge nor still a high school student. Damn man, the one and only reason why I'm writing this coz I'm feeling just so bored. I know you're reading this, coz your bored too.

Uh-huh. boys over flowers, what you girls are soo crazy about. yep

Well, yall must be wondering why not try working to fill up my time? Actualy I'll start working around March somewhere in Perth, Australia * hope so * . So yea.. right now.. I'm just wandering around doing nothing.. .. too lazy to do house work. So all I do is watching my korean dramas. Yea, almost all malay girls or chinese girls are crazy about korean dramas. Okay! enough about korean dramas.. lets talk about me!

About me!!!! hahaa. Like I said, I'll start working around march in Australia as my sister is studying there, most probably this year would be her last year for Phd! InsyaAllah!! :)) So maybe she could find me a job there and I might be staying there up to 6 months maybe. Before I start my journey in Australia, maybe I'll go for some english classes like MACEE and British Council. And beforee that I need to pass my undang2 test around next week. And get myself busy with english classes after the test. After working in Ausssieee, I'll start studying again somewhere around september! :D

I want this baby!!! <3

Talking about studying again.. what I'm soo excited about is getting into a university life. A new enviroment, new people, new experience and everything! I just can't wait when the time comes! But my problem now is .. Where should I go? What course should I take ? Ohoo! I don't even know what I like! Well, I like kitties!

damn lookadat moneey babes. 

I used to dream of being a Veterinarian! Not just a Vet, but travel around the world to treat any sorts of animal that I possibly could. The sad part is that when I was in form 4, I didn't get selected to be in science stream because of my math problem!! Instead, they put me in an accounts stream?! What the ** I tell you. I certainly, HATE accounts. Sorry I'm just being tooo honest here. I love science!!! But not.. math or or accounts or anything that involves calculation. Except for MONEY :D :D :D I only lovee calculating money.:)) everyone does.. aite?? :D heehee ^.^

help me!!! 

Yeah, you can say I'm a lazy piggie bum bum. I am indeed lazy enough to take A levels. O.o My mom asked me to take TESL- Teaching English as a Second Language in UiTM. Okay, the course is fine.. but UiTM?! NOOOOUUUUUU. I don't wanna goo UiTM. I mean not to say because it's government's, I mean.. I'm just nott interested. Government's school is enough for me, let me go to some private universities or something. Maybe it could be a little expensive than usual but hey, I'm sure it'll worth it!!! Right? Now.. I still have time to think of which college/university I wanna go study at, and about courses. Oh  Godd.. please help me. I don't know! If I wanna take TESL, this course mostly availabe in local universities.  Mann.. this is hard T.T  Any other option guys??? I don't really know much about all this  .. so.. I need your help!!

Anyways, sorry if it's boring!!! Wait, why would I say sorry?! If you think its boring then maybe you're daa one thats boring!! Wahahhaha :D See ya again next time!! I don't know when, coz well ya know me, I'm a lazy bum bum!!! But... I will change that..sooooon enough! Love yall ! Peace ;D