What are we ?

What are we ? I don't understand.. why do I keep calling you, texting you like as if I'm with you while we're so not. Why do we talk to each other like nothing has ever happened before.. ? Why? I feel like something is missing.. I like this relationship but I don't feel right. Does this even considered as a relationship? Just, what are we? He said he loves me, I said me too but I don't want having any relationship with him. My brain said that I should not mix around much with him, because I'll fall for him again and soon I'll get hurt again.. but my heart says a different thing, who knows that second chance might be worth it. I can't let my heart suffers seeing him each time. I love him, but I have to let him go.. he refused.. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.. and this what happens. We both loving each other, act like we're together but we're not. No commitment and nothing. Should I just leave it this way.. or just accept him? He likes it this way, but I don't feel right having a relationship this way. When I love a person, I'll be with the person, stay with the person, and love only that person. Somehow I think it's karma. I once hurt his feelings.. very deeply.. then after few months I found out that he was still waiting for me knowing that one day I'll return to him, and funny how bad I don't want having a relationship with him, at last, I ended up being.. with him! Then I had loved him truly, gave him everything I could give, stayed with him trusted him, and all I could ever think of at the end of the day, was him. But somehow he betrayed me, he never cheated me by having another girl but it's just that he changed.. after I left him he became very rude and not like how I thought he would be. He did nonsense things behind my back.. and hurt me in many ways.. but still, I hold onto it. I said, nah he's just stressed out, maybe he needs time to chill and so I gave him space. But still.. he's doing the same thing again and again, talk to very rudely, treat me like a trash like a dog like a piece of shit until I just can't take it anymore. Until I thought that this is just too much and so I left him. But it's more like he left me. And now, he came back again after 6 months. After bloody 6 months only he had realised just how much love and sacrifice I've put in. I think 6 months is just way too late to apologise but somehow I'm still so kind to you. I'm weird. I think I'm an idiot. My bloody brain said he doesn't deserve this kindness from me. But my heart still loves only him. But why? After all he's done to me, why am I still wasting my time with him? All the people around me disagree of me being together back with him, but at the end, it's all in my hands. I will decide what to do. But deciding to start loving him back or not is just so hard. I wish he never turned back. So that I can continue my life with new people around me. If you love me.. why can't you just let me go? Though I never wanted you to go.. never once.. And now that I'm stuck .. I think staying this way is better.. no commitments, we can do anything we want.. there will be no fights.. but I don't feel right. So this kind of relationship won't last. There will be a day when either I will go to you and be with you or stop any kind of relationship I have with you right now. I just need time to think about it.. So many things that I have to think about now rather than love. I have my freaking SPM papers which actually will be held by tomorow. :[ wish me luck!

Eh, esok SPM. :[

Unbeliveable. Yes, the first SPM paper will be held tomorow, 8.00AM. And it's bahasa, then the next day will be English. I'm kinda like half nervous and half cool. Somehow I can still write in my blog.. hmmm.. I don't know how I'll do tomorow.. I'll just wish that I'll do it very smoothly. I'm not that good in education.. but I'll try my best though... this is sad.. all I can do now is just hope that I can do it.. I don't wanna see my parents face turn down when the result is out.. I hope the results will turned out to be like how I expected it to be.. to my dear friends and whoever it is, if I ever hurt you before or being snobby and what so ever. .. all I can say now is sorry.. people tend to forget what they have.. I am sorry.. and I never have the intention to hurt you... and most of all, I thank to everyone that has supported me till the end, thank you so much for beliving that I can do it, thank you for making me belive in myself that I can do it. Hope the papers won't be so hard.. please wish me all the best, please pray for me, God bless me. T_T