Dear God Bless Us All

I was never one of those who you would always remember in class doing funny things or one of those pretty hot girls passing by the hallway or teacher's favourite or some sort.. I am someone whom you sometimes you would remember that she even exist. I had always been the lonely child. I was so attached to my mom that I never made any friends in school, well except those who bullied me. I never realised I was getting bullied because i never knew we are any different. I thought we are all the same, feel the same, having the same heart. How naive was I? 

Well that was before, that is like years and years ago back in school. Had left school since 2011 and now continuing study in a university. I don't think it is any different than in school. I am still the same me, not knowing how to befriend anybody in uni. Not sure if I give a pleasant impression with a charming smile to people in uni. It had always been tough for me being in school/uni. The pressure I  get just being in public, the anxiety.. the fear. It does not feel good at all as i am always scared. I have made few friends at least but i never fail to fall into a pool of troubles. Nobody knows how I really feel deep inside.. There is always this tiny little voice screaming in head all the time whenever I am outside. Its eating me up whole. Never really made it good socially. At least now I know who to keep and who to stay away from. 

Despite that, I am glad I have met this few special people in my life that I treat as second family. Few close friends and good friends to be around with. Some left, some stayed, some doesn't work out but that's life. I am truly grateful for all the people that has ever been in my life, they certainly have made me grow wiser with all the experience they have shared with me for all those times. I am happy with what ever that is destined for me.  I have hurt some people in my life, hurting people is not in my list of goals definitely, but people make mistakes. I have made a whole lot of mistake and i regret my mistakes but i dont hate myself for it, though i take it as lesson to learn. I am truly sorry for all those that i have hurt, just know that i never mean to do harm, but because I am careless I may have hurt those that I love. And love never really fades.. just forgotten. I may forget sometimes but trust me, it is always there. 

Anyway, my point of this post is to just release all the burden that is inside of me. That is eating me up. I was not able to let out to anybody this way fully. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy with all these mixed emotions that I've been getting these days. Then having these sorts of questions to myself like " what have I become?, what is wrong with me?, " all those negative questions out of fear, sadness, and emptiness. Regardless, I always try to help other people instead. And I know I am definitely not the one who feels this way. Therefore, because of this thought, I try not to be selfish and go all like, " why me, me, me, me " and starts blaming other people for however my life turns out to be. So then I just accept life the way it is, and try to change the bad for the better and remain the good and achieve the best of the best. 

Though sometimes these mixed emotions are getting in the way of my road to happiness. I feel really sad but certainly not depressed. I feel lost. I feel like I am in the middle of of nowhere, out somewhere in the sea, out in the ocean, out in the blue. Regardless, I will try to keep thriving the best of the best and stay out of negativity for it kills me, and the people around me. I am blessed with the life I have, I am blessed with the people that I love. I'm blessed to still be alive and well. I just wish that we could all be blessed with love and happiness, health and wealth. Dear God, bless us all. 

Living with a down syndrome

Wazzzup! It has been awhile since I last update. Well I had an impromptu speech in college today but to me it wasn't really an impromptu speech since I prepared a night before..I've written what to say. I was not satisfied with my speech earlier, I didn't say what I've intended to say due to my nervous-ness lol. So to fulfill my satisfaction, I thought of sharing this story here in my precious blog which I've forgotten for months. haha .

So this is how it goes, \(^_^)/

I am the youngest of 5 siblings. As people would normally say, that young ones are usually the spoiled ones. Uhm, WRONG!!. Well guess what, I am “ not exactly” the spoiled one, lol, not exactly. I can say that I am quite thoughtful, loving, caring and… a sweetheart too! *Uhm* Oh well, this speech is not about me, it is about a 24 years old young woman, suffering with down syndrome.

What is down syndrome exactly ? Down syndrome is kind of a disorder. A chromosomal disorder. A person with down syndrome has 47 extra chromosome. People like us only have 46 chromosome. The person with down syndrome also have similar facial features with the rest of the people who has the same disorder. Eyes that slant upward, small ears that may fold over a little at the top, a small mouth, making the tongue appear large, a small nose with a flattened nasal bridge, a short neck and also with small hands and feet. Because they have the extra 47 chromosome is what makes them learn a little slower than us. These people having extra chromosome is what makes them special. Special people like them, needs extra care and love.

Most people with down syndrome were not treated with much care and love as how they should be. Most people like us mistreated them. It is because we do not understand them. A person with this kind of disorder suffers a great deal. They never ask to be born this way. They want to live the same as us too, they want to be free like us, they want to feel the love and warmth of their beloved ones like us too. They want to be happy and have friends like us too. They are not much of a difference than us, they are humans that have feelings like us too. But sadly, most people sees them as  a burden in their lives. Having saliva to be dripping every second which needs to be swiped off every time, or having them to be screaming in the middle of the night crying all of the sudden.

I may not really understand how it feels like being a down syndrome, but I think I would know how it feels like to be one, as I am living with one.  And she is my sister. She was born with insufficient of back bones with a little too short neck than a down syndrome would normally have. So she had this surgery, the doctors has taken the lower back bone and place it to her neck. Once she was in the toilet having a bath with help of my other older sister.  While she was bathing, my sister left her for a moment due to some things she had to do real quick. My sister with down syndrome decided to get out of the bath up and stand up. Unfortunately, she fell down in that slippery toilet. She couldn’t move, she cries, tears running down her cheeks but she could not help it until my dad saw her laying down in the toilet with a deep cut on her forehead. Before she fell, she was pretty normal like us too. It’s just that she learns a little slower than us do.

After the incident, she became weaker, she forgets, and surgery after surgery she gained weight. She could not stand long or walk properly as she has small feet with her big sized body.  She cries when mom is away, she gets angry when her favourite food is not served in a day. She loves the Milo I make, she would say “ shut up “ with an angry face to the people who argues/ yell or speaks too loud in front of her.  She is sweet, lovable and understands when we’re sad, happy or angry. She would tap my back is she saw me crying, she’d say shut up if I speak too loud, she’ll sing along if I sing for her and dance with me and my late grandma if she hears her favourite song. She taught me how to love, by sharing me her love. If she ever cries it would hurt the same as seeing my parents cry.

However, I thank god for letting my mom delivered a sister like her as she taught me many things in life. Like happiness, love and the value of a relationship. She taught how to speak softly like how a lady should be speaking, she made me realize how an argument can never settle a problem. I appreciate the presence of her as she makes my day worth waking up for. She gives me happiness, her smile melts me, her laughter every day, makes my heart sing throughout the day. I could not imagine my life would be any better without her being in it. She gives a big impact into my life.

Although her diaper would leaked and her urine would be messed up on her bed during any time of the day but that doesn’t matter, she is my sister. As her younger sister, I am responsible of whatever may happen to her. She yells at night and crying all night sometimes just for food or drinks.. or it is because she wants attention. Sometime when she’s thirsty in the middle of the night where everyone had gone sleeping , she would go to the kitchen and tries to make milo herself. Although the milo was not prepared as perfect as we normally do, but it shows that she does not actually want to bother us. She wishes to be born the same so she does not have burden us. But I am satisfied and happy on how she already is. She was meant to be born this way and I as her sister gladly accept her, love her and care for her as she deserved to be treated.

I hope this would change your thoughts towards the people like her, and treat them equally, love them, cherish them and care for them double then now. Because, no one in this world is born perfect and we need to pay more attention to the people with such disorder or any kinds of disorder, they need us . Thank you for reading ! Lovess xxo

Thursday, 2:09AM, 24/01/2013

How to Snag a Sagittarius

 Be outgoing !

- Sagittarius is an energetic traveler, and you need to be able to keep up. Chat him or her up with tales of your world travels, ask questions about his/her most recent adventures and be spontaneous! If you're shy and reserved, just quit while you're ahead.

Don't be a " Debby Downer " 

- Sagittarius is a major optimist, so don't bring him/her down with your sad stories. Stay upbeat and happy, and Sagittarius will naturally drawn to you.  * just in case if you don't know what " Debby Downer " means. It means..a person who is frequently negetive and complaining, thus bringing down the mood of everyone around. * 

Don't ever be clingy !

-Sagittarius is extremlely indipendent. While he\she can commit when inspired to do so, don't be jealous or possesive, sagittarius will flee at the first sign of Stage 5 Clinger.

Crack a Joke 

- Making a Sagittarius laugh isone of the quickest way to get to his\her heart. If you're not naturally funny, don't force it, but if your sense of humor is a strong suit, flaunt it.

Respect

- Sagittariuses have a great deal of respect for themselves and others and you need to respect them too. If a sagittarius can sense that you really respect her and appreciate him/her you'll score major brownie points.

Have GOALS

- Sagittarius is quite ambitious and wants a goal-oriented partner. Have some aspirations for yourself, and share them with your Sag love interest.

Lighten Up 

- Don't take yourself too seriously, and avoid getting worked up over small things. Sagittarius is very honest and open and hates overly sensitive people.

Listen !

- Sagittarius is a communicator and loves to talk. Sharpen your listening skills, and you will be appreciated.

Honesty

- Honesty is the best policy. Sagittarius speaks his/her mind and values honesty and trust. Be open and straightfoward with your Sag, and he/she will recognize your efforts.


* A way to meet my heart ! *
I'm a Sagittarius ;)

I Love You

Forever ..

and Always.. <3

*I can't say it's forever but I'm sure that I love you enough to not let you go.. again.

Love that can never be achived.

Guess you'll never know that.

Recently, I feel exceptionally truly madly deeply in love with my ex. I feel happy. I feel so brand new. I feel like nothing has ever happened before. It's like I fall in love for the very first time. This feeling.. is so pure yet so true.. I spent the whole night trying to remember and been googling the song that my ex put in a video of our photos together. I don't know why suddenly I miss him so much. I'm going crazy every each day that passes by. It was the song " Paint My Love " by MLTR. It was a beautiful song. I now feel the love that we had before very deeply and it feels so pure. I never felt this in love before. But... I don't think things will go back to how it used to be like back then..

My big big love :D

Honestly, these days I'm acting very strange. I feel love everywhere. Even all the hatred becomes love. What is this? What does this suppose to mean? It feels great. Unsual than before. Maybe... because I used to say I am awsome and happy most of the time, it finally becomes real. Maybe.. if I continue beliving in myself that everything will be okay.. I guess it will. And everything is going well nowadays... I guess... well I just have to keep on beliving! Right ? Why don't you start beliving in yourself too then ? :)

Nevertheless, I met my ex few days ago in a mamak shop, a coincidence, but I don't take it as a coincidence because I expected him to come. It's like telephaty!! I never knew he would but I kept on telling myself " will he come? I've been longing to see him " I even yelled at myself to even have a thought like that about him while I'm not supposed to even just think about him at all. However, My friend happen to be there and he came along with few of his friends too.. There was two table, I was sitting on the left table and he sat on the right table on the same line as where I was sitting. I felt funny because I was so excited to even just see his face after such a loooong time, which is weird for me to expect him to come while I suppose to not think about him at all! I never expected myself to be like this!!! Seriously.... I thought when time passes I could forget him instead I forget the bad things that happened . I mean like I said earlier, all the hatred becomes love! Yes, so when the hatred and the anger I had for him becomes love, additional to the love that I already have for him, my love for him has grown bigger every each day. Like, what the hell ?

Why do I keep loving you after all the hardships you've put me through ?

According to what has happened lately, though my love for him has grown every each day, I think his love for me has been fading every each day..and I will only be just another girl for him. It's really depressing to have known this yet I still haven't move on. It's really stupid and pathetic. I know so much what to do what I must do yet I'm still stuck with my past. Why is this happenning to me at this age? How can I love person so much at this age? Am I really loving him or is this just what every teenager has go through at this age? Well, I heard some very dirty stories about me everywhere.. I guess I haven't been protecting myself properly lately.. And that dirty stories I heard was made by him. I guess I should've set boundries with whom I socialize with. I thought they were my close buddies, I guess it was just their way to take advantage over me. Maybe I shouldn't have  trust people so easily. I'm a very vulnerable and naive kind of person. Though how strong I thought I may be, but I'm indeed very week in the inside. I am much more sensitive than I thought I am.. Words affect me so easily. I may not cry when the words are spoken at the moment, but when I'm left all alone, tears started falling until I thought why am I being so rediculous while I'm so young and so many things is yet to be achived.

Paint my love ? ? 

I bet most of us has been through this kind of relationship before. If most of you can survive, why can't I ? I hope that one day.. just that one fine day.. his heart will open and finally getting to realize just what he actualy really meant to me. It's not easy to have someone who truly love you and keep on loving you no matter what you did to them. Most of you may call it stupid and I admit I'm being stupid but I'm sorry it's just not the time yet. I am acting foolishly by loving him still while he isn't. Love can really fool you up to this rate. They can crushh you down if you don't know how to control it.

One sided love, how does it feel ? </3

People may call me a desperate bitch. Call me whatever you may wanna call me. I don't care. Just keep on talking. I guess these people don't have an interesting story that they have to talk about my shit to make people socialize with them. Why can't they just mind their own business and just talk about their shit rather than mine, I guess mine is all better than theirs. My shit can do them good I guess! Wow, I didn't know my shit is that powerfull. They indeed make me feel awsome day by day but still it's kinda painful, that them whose talking trash about you.. was the people that used to meant everything to you. Pathetic isn't it ?

What can I say.. we're all humans.. we all make mistakes.. we learn from mistakes but if it happens again then that's you choose to make the same shit again. :D Well, there goes my story for today.. an unconditional love that can never be achived. Will it ever ? We'll see in the future. Thanks for reading peeps!

Date : 28/2/2012
Time : 10:30PM 

Grandpa ?

:SSSSSSS

It's been awhile since I had a dream, the last dream I had was like so long time ago, and one that I can't forget the most is when I was in kindergarden, I dreamt of a ghost, was waiting for my mom in the car and the ghost was somewhere behind the seat, so I got chickened out of course so I got out and hid under the car with my face facing at left and as sooon as I turned right, OH THE MOTHER OF GOD, pochong! >>>>>>>>>>
Mak datuk. Terkejut beruk aku! Anyways, it wasn't really scary but for me at the time and how the dream went, oh god hard to explain. Aey, this dream hasn't come to the end part yet, well you can say my dream is kinda weird. Actualy it has always been so weird. Maybe because I am weird, wait am I? No I'd take it as different and unique . hehehehe :D Oh sorry I'm running out from the topic. Okay the ending part was something else, it was suddenly morning and I was in a kitchen eating with my grandpa, so as I was eating breakfast with him, black cars was coming one by one like a group of cars, then the people inside the cars all came out with guns and pistol or whatever they called it, OMG they started to line up infront of my house and started shooting everywhere in my house area, it sounds stupid and rediculous yeah it is because I end up being a heroine @_@ . I told you it's weird no, it's so... unique :S 

wait, it supposed to be C's. =.=

 Anyway, the dream I was about to share with all of you is the dream that I just dreamt earlier, I woke up very early like around 4++ or 5AM. This dream to me is 50% bad and 50% good. I shall tell the bad first. O.O WEll the bad is that I dreamt of myself getting all C's in SPM result. Which is really scary. Come on, I can say I study quite hard............... I can't be getting all C's :(((((((( I'm afraid. Guys who read this, please please please I beg you! Pray for me! I don't expect much, few A's would be okay. God bless who did, thank you :')

yes i love my grandpa so so so much xx

After getting result I got back home my teacher sent me home and from inside car I felt like I saw grandpa outside with my uncle sitting on the bench. I wasn't using my glasses that time since I left it in North India which I went for a trip. It was nice, I was sleeping in a bus, I left it in the bus's backseat pocket and thinking 'oohoo, it'll be bad if I left it here in India when I got back to Malaysia ' but at the end I really left it in India and now it's there I miss my glasses T.T. ANYWAY, talking about my grandpa earlier, well yea so it was blury from the inside car so I wasn't really sure it was granpa. At that moment, my heart skips a beat. I missed him so bad! In that dream, I felt like it happened for real. I knew Grandpa past away in year 2008 but in that dream, it's like he was given another life to see his family which is us. As soon as I got out from the car, I walked slowly, step by step looking at my grandpa thinking ' is that really grandpa? ' because he was supposed to be in heaven already. I wasn't feeling scared instead I went right at to him and hugged him. I didn't say a word... YET, and so I was hugging, million of thoughts running through my mind. I was thinking that maybe this could be another chance for me to apologize to him. I had a quite similar dream also before when I was in form 3. I had a dream apologizing and was telling him how much I've missed him while crying realy heavily. I woke up with red watery eyes and my face was all wet because of my tears in my dream. I was really crying in life in my sleep, actualy I've post this in my blog last year with the title "Sweet Grandparents" .

love that never fades away ..

However, after hugging and stuff, I look deeply in his eyes, I said " Atuk ? " together along with my watery eyes. Again I hugged him! Awwh, my heart feels heavy to let go of the hug. Then he said "Siapa ni ? " I said " Shada atuk, cucu atuk " in a very very very soft voice. He looks older than before, he looks smaller and more wrinkles all over his face and everywhere and he has forgotten me too. Since he's gotten older guessin that he's gotten senile like grandma now too. And so we had a lil talk, cry a lil, then poofff! He's gone. He's gone. Again... I woke up as soon as possible and said " oh it was a dream, with a teary eyes and felt relieved because the all the C's was just a dream. Phewwww. I'll die if I get all C's. Like wtf ?? lol Anyway, this is the second time he came into my dream but it wasn't as dramatic as the first one. I cried a river for the first one haha. But I felt so relieved to have seen his face again, talk to him again and even hugged him, as it felt so real. I wish to see him again. Even if I don't I wouldn't mind, memories of him is treasured in my heart.

i love you more than words can explain

To me, every old people are like my own grandparents. To me, their sweet, kind and very loving and VERY cute. Sometimes when I see old people I treat them like my own. And not to mention that I love old couples.     They had lived their whole life all together until death do them apart. True love and happiness. Awhh :')

Therefore, this should be a lesson. For those who still have your grandparents at home, or where ever they are, they need you. Though they might be senile at times, it's okay. They're like children. Just talk to them as much as you could, entertain them. Love them. Their time to be living in this world isn't much left. They soon will leave this world and live another life in another world. Give them a beautiful ending. Appreciate them and make them feel loved and appreciated. This dream to me is like a reminder, plus after showering in the morning I hit my head at the corner of a table and got a big lump on my forehead. T.T

flyinggg kissss ! mwaaahh

Oh well, I guess that's it, nothing much really. This blog is just for me to release whatever tension I'm having or just for me to simply having fun with myself writing. I'm not a good writer so please understand thank you. And also thank you for those who read my blog. Thank you. So much. :D Please do follow my blog too okay... mwahhhh <3

* the date and time is wrong I don't know how to adjust :S
Date : 18/2/2012
Time : 3:45PM

Too bored to be true.

For now, yea I can say that it is kinda pathetic. I just finished SPM last year . After that, my life seems to be more boring than evaaaaaaaar. geez man. Most of my friends are either older than me or one year younger. So basicly, I'm feeling soooo so lonely. Some working, some studying still, either in University/Collge nor still a high school student. Damn man, the one and only reason why I'm writing this coz I'm feeling just so bored. I know you're reading this, coz your bored too.

Uh-huh. boys over flowers, what you girls are soo crazy about. yep

Well, yall must be wondering why not try working to fill up my time? Actualy I'll start working around March somewhere in Perth, Australia * hope so * . So yea.. right now.. I'm just wandering around doing nothing.. .. too lazy to do house work. So all I do is watching my korean dramas. Yea, almost all malay girls or chinese girls are crazy about korean dramas. Okay! enough about korean dramas.. lets talk about me!

About me!!!! hahaa. Like I said, I'll start working around march in Australia as my sister is studying there, most probably this year would be her last year for Phd! InsyaAllah!! :)) So maybe she could find me a job there and I might be staying there up to 6 months maybe. Before I start my journey in Australia, maybe I'll go for some english classes like MACEE and British Council. And beforee that I need to pass my undang2 test around next week. And get myself busy with english classes after the test. After working in Ausssieee, I'll start studying again somewhere around september! :D

I want this baby!!! <3

Talking about studying again.. what I'm soo excited about is getting into a university life. A new enviroment, new people, new experience and everything! I just can't wait when the time comes! But my problem now is .. Where should I go? What course should I take ? Ohoo! I don't even know what I like! Well, I like kitties!

damn lookadat moneey babes. 

I used to dream of being a Veterinarian! Not just a Vet, but travel around the world to treat any sorts of animal that I possibly could. The sad part is that when I was in form 4, I didn't get selected to be in science stream because of my math problem!! Instead, they put me in an accounts stream?! What the ** I tell you. I certainly, HATE accounts. Sorry I'm just being tooo honest here. I love science!!! But not.. math or or accounts or anything that involves calculation. Except for MONEY :D :D :D I only lovee calculating money.:)) everyone does.. aite?? :D heehee ^.^

help me!!! 

Yeah, you can say I'm a lazy piggie bum bum. I am indeed lazy enough to take A levels. O.o My mom asked me to take TESL- Teaching English as a Second Language in UiTM. Okay, the course is fine.. but UiTM?! NOOOOUUUUUU. I don't wanna goo UiTM. I mean not to say because it's government's, I mean.. I'm just nott interested. Government's school is enough for me, let me go to some private universities or something. Maybe it could be a little expensive than usual but hey, I'm sure it'll worth it!!! Right? Now.. I still have time to think of which college/university I wanna go study at, and about courses. Oh  Godd.. please help me. I don't know! If I wanna take TESL, this course mostly availabe in local universities.  Mann.. this is hard T.T  Any other option guys??? I don't really know much about all this  .. so.. I need your help!!

Anyways, sorry if it's boring!!! Wait, why would I say sorry?! If you think its boring then maybe you're daa one thats boring!! Wahahhaha :D See ya again next time!! I don't know when, coz well ya know me, I'm a lazy bum bum!!! But... I will change that..sooooon enough! Love yall ! Peace ;D