I was never one of those who you would always remember in class doing funny things or one of those pretty hot girls passing by the hallway or teacher's favourite or some sort.. I am someone whom you sometimes you would remember that she even exist. I had always been the lonely child. I was so attached to my mom that I never made any friends in school, well except those who bullied me. I never realised I was getting bullied because i never knew we are any different. I thought we are all the same, feel the same, having the same heart. How naive was I?
Well that was before, that is like years and years ago back in school. Had left school since 2011 and now continuing study in a university. I don't think it is any different than in school. I am still the same me, not knowing how to befriend anybody in uni. Not sure if I give a pleasant impression with a charming smile to people in uni. It had always been tough for me being in school/uni. The pressure I get just being in public, the anxiety.. the fear. It does not feel good at all as i am always scared. I have made few friends at least but i never fail to fall into a pool of troubles. Nobody knows how I really feel deep inside.. There is always this tiny little voice screaming in head all the time whenever I am outside. Its eating me up whole. Never really made it good socially. At least now I know who to keep and who to stay away from.
Despite that, I am glad I have met this few special people in my life that I treat as second family. Few close friends and good friends to be around with. Some left, some stayed, some doesn't work out but that's life. I am truly grateful for all the people that has ever been in my life, they certainly have made me grow wiser with all the experience they have shared with me for all those times. I am happy with what ever that is destined for me. I have hurt some people in my life, hurting people is not in my list of goals definitely, but people make mistakes. I have made a whole lot of mistake and i regret my mistakes but i dont hate myself for it, though i take it as lesson to learn. I am truly sorry for all those that i have hurt, just know that i never mean to do harm, but because I am careless I may have hurt those that I love. And love never really fades.. just forgotten. I may forget sometimes but trust me, it is always there.
Anyway, my point of this post is to just release all the burden that is inside of me. That is eating me up. I was not able to let out to anybody this way fully. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy with all these mixed emotions that I've been getting these days. Then having these sorts of questions to myself like " what have I become?, what is wrong with me?, " all those negative questions out of fear, sadness, and emptiness. Regardless, I always try to help other people instead. And I know I am definitely not the one who feels this way. Therefore, because of this thought, I try not to be selfish and go all like, " why me, me, me, me " and starts blaming other people for however my life turns out to be. So then I just accept life the way it is, and try to change the bad for the better and remain the good and achieve the best of the best.
Though sometimes these mixed emotions are getting in the way of my road to happiness. I feel really sad but certainly not depressed. I feel lost. I feel like I am in the middle of of nowhere, out somewhere in the sea, out in the ocean, out in the blue. Regardless, I will try to keep thriving the best of the best and stay out of negativity for it kills me, and the people around me. I am blessed with the life I have, I am blessed with the people that I love. I'm blessed to still be alive and well. I just wish that we could all be blessed with love and happiness, health and wealth. Dear God, bless us all.
